The many varieties of Asians

Painting by Tran Hui Hoang

Although my sons are of Oriental heritage, they were born in North America and know little about their ethnic culture. I call them Bananas, yellow outside, white inside. But nowadays, thanks to immigration and globalization, there are more and more Orientals living in non-Oriental settings. FOB is a general term used for them, i.e. Fresh Off The Boat. However, the urban terminology has many varieties of these Asian specimens. This is how to recognize them. [http://www.urbandictionary.com/define.php?term=fob]

Twinkie

• Besides your nationality, there is little to distinguish you from white people
• Your significant other is not Asian and never has been
• You have few Asian friends, if any
• You are embarrassed at family events because you cannot speak your language and everyone has to switch to English to communicate with you
• You have no idea that the other types of Asians on this list even exist
• You think Hello Kitty is dumb and do not know what Sanrio is
• You are the only Asian on this list that does not know what Bubble Tea is
• You drive a Ford or some other domestic car and if you drive a Honda, it is stock

Asian-American

• You claim yourself as Asian, but real Asians think you're whitewashed and non-Asians see you as a foreigner. You fit in nowhere.
• You have heard of Bubble Tea but have never actually had any
• You are confused about your cultural identity and express this frustration through spoken word performances at your college
• You read A. magazine and think it's great
• You do not know who Leon, Aaron, Sammi, Hikki, or Kangta are
• You are only vaguely aware of the other Asians below

Yap (Young Asian Professional)

• You are in one of these professions:
• a) Medicine / Pharmaceutical
• b) Engineering
• c) Finance
• d) Investment Banking
• e) Accounting

• Most of your wardrobe was purchased at Banana Republic
• You go to "mixers" on Thursday nights to meet other Yaps and talk about the Dow Jones.
• You did exactly what your parents wanted you to do and as a result, your life is hella boring
• Your apartment/home is decorated almost exclusively with stuff from Pier 1
• Your parents always talk to their friends about how much money you make. If they don't, then you're a disappointment

Fob (Fresh Off the Boat)

• You were not born in America
• You know who Leon, Aaron, Sammi, Hikki, and Kangta are. In fact, you have seen them at Atlantic City or Las Vegas recently
• You speak your native language fluently and so do all your friends
• You do not have any non-Asian friends
• Your parents do not speak any English
• When you speak English, you like to make everything plural
• You get extremely good grades in school
• You cannot dance
• Your fashion sense comes from whatever country you're from and you incorporate nothing from American fashion into your wardrobe

SuperFob

• Your command of the English language is minimal and you don't care
• You like dim sum chicken feet
• You do not own a single CD, VCD, Video game, or DVD that isn't bootlegged
• Your only hangout is Chinatown
• All the lights in your house are fluorescent
• You dry your cloths outside your window
• You need a haircut
• You either smell like cigarettes or food

Fobabee

• You are an Asian-American or Twinkie who has recently "awoken"
• You have a newly found fetish of Asian girls/boys
• You have taken the Asian Studies course at college
• You are trying to learn as much as possible about your culture to make up for your lifetime of trying to be white (Twinkie; Banana) or Black (Chigger; Tea egg)
• If you are lucky, you will grow to become Fobulous

Gangsta Fob (Fobsta)

• You have shot another Asian
• Your favorite hangout is a pool hall
• When you talk, you sound like a cross between a Fob and an urban black kid
• Your hair looks silly, but no one will tell you because you'll shoot them
• You have a serious gambling problem
• You are a Rice-boy, but your mods are cheap and are never painted to match the rest of your car
• No one tells you your rice ride looks cheap because you'll shoot them
• You want to have a Tab girlfriend, but can only get Hoochie Tabs

Tab (Trendy Asian B*tch)

• You shop at A/X, Bebe and Club Monaco
• You only wear black and will occasionally wear white to "mix it up"
• You do not weigh more than 105 lbs
• You have never paid for dinner at a restaurant in your life
• Platform heels are your favorite
• You are a makeup expert, in fact, you appear completely flawless
• You do not smile in public
• You are the object of desire of all Asian men and you know it
• You smoke
• Your cell phone is completely customized
• On the inside flip of your cell phone is a sticker pic of you and your man
• Somewhere in your purse is a Sanrio item
• You only date Asians and will only date a boy with a nice car
• You are often seen with Rice-boys
• You never travel alone. You are either in the company of other Tabs or your Rice-boy boyfriend

Hoochie Tab

• You are an import car model
• Your boobs are not real
• There are naked pictures of you floating around on the internet somewhere
• Stiletto heels are your favorite
• Your role models are Francine Dee and Kaila Yu
• Your boyfriend is a Gangsta Fob
• You cheat on your boyfriend
• Unlike most Asians, you do not do well in school

Rice-Boy

• You drive an Asian import. Usually a Honda or Acura
• Your souped up car (known as a Rice-ride or Rice-rocket) is unrecognizable from it's original stock form
• Your exhaust pipe is big enough for your head to fit in
• The spoiler on your car looks like it was made by Boeing
• The interior of your car also looks like it was designed by Boeing
• You always drive like you are racing someone
• You are not afraid of dying in a crash, but you are afraid of speed bumps and parking lot on-ramps
• The only other person besides yourself who can sit in your car is your 105 lbs Tab girlfriend. If anyone else sits in your car, the entire bottom of it will be touching the ground
• Even though your car is a Honda, it goes faster and is worth more than a Lotus Esprit
• If you drive a Civic, your dream car is a Supra. If you drive a Supra, your dream car is a Skyline (which you can never have). Poor Rice-boy.

Fobulous

• You speak perfect English and you are fluent in your native language
• You have Asian friends as well as non-Asian friends
• You listen to Asian pop as well as American music
• You are equally aware of both popular American culture and Asian pop culture
• You are a good dancer
• You date Asians by choice even though you could rock the opposite sex of any other race
• You are a good designer and have superior Html skills
• You have an Apt107 page AND an AA page and the guest books in both are packed
• For you, FOB stands for Fabulous Oriental Being
• You have lots of Asian pride

Pob

• A Filipino fob.
• Words that start with F tend to be pronounced with a P. (Fuck you..Pobarized version: PUCK you)
• FUll accent
• "Lets go take some sticker pickiez la! xD Kekezzz"
• "Puck you mother pucker!"