I'll Miss Her When She's Dead

Last week-end, my mother decided to confide in me, a rare event since we more or less stopped talking, except for emergencies or when she needs me to buy her stuff. She lives in the downstairs appartment of our duplex and, although she's in the habit of popping up unannounced in my apartment any times she feels like it, this time she called ahead to request a meeting. Long story short: she's scheduled to have surgery (removal of her gall bladder) next week and she's afraid to die, because of the C. Difficile prevalence in our city hospitals. She wants me to take her to the hospital (which I already agreed to) and wait until she gets out of the operation room, then take her home. Simple request, right? WRONG!

«You should ask for a day off that day.» «Yes mom, I know.» «We will leave the house at 7:30 AM.» «Yes, I know, you already told me a few times.» «Do you want me to wake you up that day?» «NO!!! And you agreed to 7:30 so don't call me at 6:00 to tell me we should go then» «Yes, yes, but don't forget to set your alarm.» «Mom! For the past 30 years, I get up every day at 6:00 to go to work! I think I can handle it without your help!» «I don't want you to forget...» «Is there anything else you want to talk about? No? Good bye then!» «I can never talk to you! Don't you care about....blah blah blah..».

Our conversations have been like that for the past 10 years. I used to be able to control myself better, but since she asked to come live with us and I stupidly agreed, she's grown more aggravating and I've become more intolerant. She's neurasthenic, maniacal-depressive, paranoid, controlling, nosy, negative, manipulative and utterly self-absorbed. When I was a little girl, she was a relatively indifferent mother to me, which suited me fine, since I became a voracious reader at an early age. I had two brothers and she never hid her preference for them, but now, at the end of her life, her karmic reward is that she's left with only me to take care of her: my older brother died in a traffic accident and my younger brother took refuge from her by hiding with his wife in another municipality. So now we're stuck with each other. Because I was left alone when I was small, I grew up excessively independant. She, on the other hand, barely noticed me then, but now she is bent on controlling every aspect of my life. I could tell you about all the indignities and harassment she put me through but that would take pages and pages of posting. She could tell you about my insolence and my sharp tongue, and she frequently does to everyone in our extended family and in the Vietnamese community. Which raises the question: why are we mother and daughter when we have absolutely nothing in common? Is there a karmic debt I have to pay off?

People have told me on many occasions: «You complain now, but when she dies, you'll wish that she were still around to drive you up the wall». It's probably true. After every quarrel, I feel sorry for my lack of patience and compassion. I can see her suffering, and because of her mental problems, she has no outlet for her pain and frustrations. So, sure, I'll miss her when she's dead, but wouldn't it make more sense for me to love her now and try to make her life less painful? So why can't I do it?