Monday, December 31, 2007

Happy New Year

To all my readers, friends, relatives, acquaintances, etc.., to all sentient beings... I wish :

Health
"We share our mother's health" by The Knife






Fun
Three cops get tasered






Enlightenment
The Dalai Lama explaining the Four Noble Truths









Actually it's much faster to click on the image to go directly to the YouTube pages, than to wait for the videos to load.

Wednesday, December 26, 2007

After Christmas Comes Teh Têt

Well, now that Christmas is over, I feel better already. No more depression, bah-humbuggery, anxiety and frustration because all the presents we ordered by mail never came.

People are already preparing for the next mega-party: El-Têt!!!! This year, the Year of the Rat will come on the 7th day of the 2nd month. But read about it yourself:


Rats love to sleep in hammocks


From: http://www.infoplease.com/spot/chinesenewyear1.html

Chinese New Year (or Têt, in vietnamese) is the longest and most important celebration in the Chinese calendar. The Chinese year 4706 begins on Feb. 7, 2008.

Chinese months are reckoned by the lunar calendar, with each month beginning on the darkest day. New Year festivities traditionally start on the first day of the month and continue until the fifteenth, when the moon is brightest.

Legend has it that in ancient times, Buddha asked all the animals to meet him on Chinese New Year. Twelve came, and Buddha named a year after each one. He announced that the people born in each animal's year would have some of that animal's personality. Those born in rat years tend to be leaders, pioneers and conquerors. They are charming, passionate, charismatic, practical and hardworking. Gwyneth Paltrow, Ben Affleck, Samuel L. Jackson, William Shakespeare and Mozart were all born in the year of the rat.

Uh... don't take all this too seriously, because I know a Rat and he's not like that at all, especially the hard working part (Sorry, little brother!).


It's hard work to be a rat!

Next time, I"ll give you some recipes of traditional Têt dishes, to be prepared from scratch. One has to start early with this type of endeavour.

Rats are the bomb!

Tuesday, December 25, 2007

Bah, Insecte fredonnant !!!

Benoît XVI à la messe de minuit de 2007


Comme chaque année à cette époque, le Pape va sur son balcon et prononce son message urbi et orbi, et comme chaque fois que le Pape prononce un discours, l'évènement est annoncé comme suit: "Dans son message de Noël, Benoît XVI lance un appel en faveur de la paix dans le monde." Et on abat des arbres pour imprimer cette "nouvelle".

Permettez-moi de vous démontrer mes talents de devin en vous annonçant à l'avance les futurs messages du Pape: "Dans son message de Pâques, Benoît XVI lance un appel en faveur de l'amour", ou Dans son message de la Saint Glin Glin, Benoît XVI dénonce la haine dans le monde", ou encore "Dans son message du Têt, Benoît XVI loue la pratique de regarder des deux côtés avant de traverser la rue et vitupère l'ingestion de sushi avariés."

Si les médias veulent contribuer à la protection de l'environnement et cesser de gaspiller du papier pour annoncer que l'eau mouille ou que le feu brûle, je leur propose de publier le message suivant une seule fois, en début de chaque année: "Une fois pour toutes, sachez que le Pape/le Dalai Lama/l'Ayotallah est contre le mal et en faveur du bien. Retenez bien, parce qu'on ne le répètera plus."

Et pour aider ceux qui sont incapables de distinguer entre le bien et le mal:

Ça, c'est bien.



Et ça, c'est mal.



C'est clair, non? Et qu'on n'en parle plus.

Our Christmas

I "made" a lot of food (actually I bought frozen stuff and reheated them): turkey, stuffing, gravy, cranberry sauce, shrimp paste on sugar cane, dim sum, etc... Some of us were not happy.



The kids played games on the Wii. Nothing was broken.




B-Boy helped his grandmother open her presents.




The dog was quite happy with her present.


The party lasted all day. At the end, we were all pooped.

Monday, December 24, 2007

Wrong Gifts Again!

Sent by a friend (Thank you Hà!)

Friday, December 21, 2007

Motherf*cking Snakes On The Motherf*cking Plane

HANOI (AFP) - Vietnamese airport officials discovered a cargo of 700 live snakes on a Thai Airways flight from Indonesia but destroyed them after no-one claimed them, officials said Friday.



"The snakes were alive when they were found in the cargo," a quarantine officer at Hanoi's Noi Bai International Airport told AFP. "Seven hundred snakes were later destroyed when no-one claimed ownership."


The reptiles were found on December 19 in a container that arrived on flight TG 682 from Indonesia. Accompanying paperwork identified the content as "live fish", the state-run Vietnam News Agency reported.



Thursday, December 20, 2007

Office Party Apology



When I came into the office this morning, I noticed a sort of general feeling of unfriendliness, and since several of you have called me a "dirty son of a bitch" to my face, I knew I must have done something wrong at the office Christmas Party. The Office Manager called me from the hospital today and as this is my last day, I'd like to take this way of apologizing to all of you. I would prefer speaking to everyone personally, but all of you seem to go deaf and dumb whenever I try to talk to you.


First, to our dear and beloved boss, I am sorry for all the things I called you Friday afternoon. I'm very much aware that your father is not a baboon, nor your mother a Chinese whore. Your wife is a delightful woman, and my story of you buying her for 50 cents in Tijuana was strictly a figment of my imagination. Your children are undoubtedly yours too. About the water cooler incident, you'll never know how badly I feel about it, and I hope you didn't hurt your head when they were trying to get the glass jug off.


To Mary, I express my deepest regrets. In my own defense, I must remind you that you seemed to enjoy our little escapade on the stairway as much as I did until the bannister broke and we fell eight feet to the second floor landing. In spite of the rupture you incurred when I landed on top of you, I am sure you will admit that when we landed it was one of the biggest thrills you have ever had.





Sam, you old cuss, you've just got to forgive me for that little prank I played on you. If I had known you were goosey, I'd have never done it. It would have been a lot worse if that fat lady hadn't been standing right under the window you jumped through. She really broke your fall a lot. People have been killed falling three stories.


Gene, I regret telling the fireman it was you who turned in the false alarm. But, of course, I had no way of knowing they would make such a bad report of it. Those fire hoses sure have a lot of pressure don't they? And the water is cold!!


Don, I know how you must feel about me. Opening the door to the broom closet suddenly must have startled you and Millie quite badly, and to think how hard you bumped your chin on the shelf when you bent over to pull up your pants, it makes me sick. We'll have to get together for dinner some night after the dentist finishes your plates.


Nancy, the only excuse I can offer for stealing all your clothes and hiding them when I found you passed out in the ladies room, is that I was drunk. Also, I want you to know I was very embarrassed when I couldn't remember where I hid them and you had to go home in that old sofa cover. Running your falsies up the flag pole was a bit too much, but like I said, I was a little drunk.


To all of you, I am sorry. Setting Jan's panties on fire seemed funny at the time, and it makes me sad to hear that her husband is divorcing her because of it.


Urinating in everyone's drink was in bad taste, and not telling them about it until all the drinks were gone was even worse.


Now that I have apologized to all of you and know that I am forgiven, I will do my darndest to come to the picnic......


Wednesday, December 19, 2007

Joke Of The Day



Sent in by Bernard (Thank you Bernard!)

Sunday, December 16, 2007

Happiness is a warm monk like Matthieu Ricard

Deuxième Tempête de Neige


Du quotidien La Presse (http://www.cyberpresse.ca/): C'est jour de tempête sur tout l'est du Canada dimanche, de l'Ontario jusqu'aux provinces maritimes.

Au Québec, les précipitations ont débuté sur le sud-ouest dans la nuit de dimanche.

À Montréal, on attend autour de 35 cm de neige au cours des 24 prochaines heures.

Les précipitations se déplaceront graduellement le long de la vallée du Saint-Laurent.

Les vents parfois forts causeront de la poudrerie, ce qui rendra inévitablement la circulation automobile périlleuse.

Les compagnies aériennes ont déjà avisé les voyageurs que cette tempête entraînera des retards ou des annulations de vols. Il est donc conseillé de vérifier l'état de son vol.



Voici un clip placé sur YouTube documentant la première tempête de neige:

Symbiosis by Pilobolus

My son just introduced me to TED (Thanks, Asparagus !) and I can hardly wait to introduce it to you: http://www.ted.com/index.php/

TED stands for Technology, Entertainment, Design. It started out (in 1984) as a conference bringing together people from those three worlds. Since then its scope has become ever broader. Go read the rest on their site. That's where I got this video clip of a piece by the Pilobolus Dance Theatre (Dancers: Otis Cook and Jennifer Macavinta).




Update: The video doesn't work and I can't figure out how to fix it. Go to TED and search for Pilobolus. Sorry, y'all.

Saturday, December 15, 2007

Raisonnablement Accommodante


Jeudi dernier, le Chef a invité toute la section à la traditionnelle party de bureau: il apporte le vin et chacun de nous apporte un ou plusieurs plats. J'étais volontaire pour apporter du pain, des fromages et une bûche de Noël.

Je suis allée acheter mon pain et mes fromages au Marché Atwater. Mon fromager est un Lituanien que je soupçonne aussi d'être juif, antisémite comme je suis, parce qu'il me dit toujours: je vais te faire un prix spécial. Ce jour là, je lui explique que je veux trois sortes de fromages pour une party de Noël. Il m'a vendu les trois fromages (en me faisant un prix spécial) et je vais au deuxième étage chercher le pain. Mon boulanger est un Congolais qui m'annonce qu'il n'a plus de baguette, mais que si c'est pour du fromage, il me recommande une miche au sésame de derrière les fagots, et c'est ce que j'ai pris. Mes fromages et mon pain ont eu un succès fou auprès des collègues. La bûche, pas tellement.

Si je vous donne tous ces détails, c'est parce que ça m'a frappée, après toutes ces histoires d'accommodement raisonnable et de Commission de consultation sur les pratiques d'accommodement reliées aux différences culturelles, comment le sort a réuni à Montréal trois ethnies: un Lituanien, un Congolais et une Vietnamienne, qui ont contribué, sans problème ni états d'âme, avec politesse et jovialité, au succès d'une party de Noël d'une organisation internationale. Nous avions communiqué en français, sans pleurer sur la disparition prochaine de notre langue commune, mais aucun de nous n'aurait sourcillé si l'un ou l'autre avait eu l'audace de parler en anglais. Étant immigrants, nous étions tous les trois bi ou trilingues. Pour moi, personnellement, c'est ça le minimum raisonnable.

Friday, December 14, 2007

Les grottes Mogao de Dunhuang

Grotte 259 : Bouddha en méditation



De l'UBE (Université bouddhique européenne) [http://www.bouddhisme-universite.org/] :

Aux confins nord-ouest de la Chine, les grottes Mogao (situées à 25 km de la ville de Dunhuang) sont célèbres pour leurs statues et leurs peintures murales. Elles constituent l'un des fleurons de l'art bouddhique et ont d'ailleurs été inscrites au "Patrimoine mondial" de l'Unesco, en 1987.

Les grottes ont été creusées dans une falaise, sur cinq étages, et s’étendent, du nord au sud, sur une longueur d’1,6 km. Le lieu compta jusqu’à 18 monastères en activité et jusqu’à 1 400 moines et nonnes. On dénombre aujourd'hui un total de 492 grottes, dont la construction s'étend sur seize dynasties, dans lesquelles on a découvert plus de 45.000 m² de fresques, 2.415 sculptures peintes, ainsi que plus de 50.000 manuscrits et autres vestiges culturels... Nous vous proposons d'en découvrir quelques exemples à travers de nombreuses photos.


(descendre jusqu'en bas de la page)

Thursday, December 13, 2007

My Loony Bun Is Fine, Benny Lava

You probably remember a month ago, while trying to organize a Thriller group dance in Montreal (another fiasco, long story), I posted the YouTube clip of an Indian version of the Thriller dance called Girly Man. The dance piece had hilarious English lyrics.

Today, a friend sent me the link to another masterpiece of the same "translator", Buffalax. (Thank you Meimei!!). I give you: the Benny Lava song and dance, with immortal lyrics like:

You know the hole to put it in,
Who put the goat in there?
The yellow goat I ate!
OooooooooooOOOOOOOooooOOOO!



Now poop on them, Oliver! Enjoy!


Update: In response to the Indian Thriller, someone called Woodbulb did a clip called Nipple, Nipple, with Roy Orbison. Very nice piece.

Wednesday, December 12, 2007

The Bee Expert

Stolen from Cynical C (http://www.cynical-c.com/): John Cleese and Rowan Arkinson, my two idols

Tuesday, December 11, 2007

If You're Happy And You Know It, Clap Your Hands


It is traditional, at the end of a year, to look back and assess one's triumphs and failures and try to draw lessons from them. Of course, I'm much too lazy to do any of this, not to mention that my memory has always been weak and unreliable, even when I was young. So I will just go through what I can remember, in no particular order, from this year that will end soon.

The Good Stuff:
  • My house: I love it.

My opium bed



  • My family: I love them.

My two sons playing the lobster ocarina

My dog enjoying the lobster ocarina recital



  • My work: I love it. I was fired, then re-hired, then fired again, then re-hired again. As I write this post, I still have a job (but I haven't opened the mail yet, so who knows...).

    Looks like where I work, but not quite

  • My Trip To Vietnam: I loved it.

Downtown Saigon


  • Christmas: I love it. What's not to love?



Okay, now for the bad stuff.

The Bad stuff:

Tick tack, tick tack, ....
Nope, can't think of anything.

Let's face it, I have a good life and I'll live happily ever after.


Yay!

Monday, December 10, 2007

Parkour culturel

Le Louvre en 9 minutes 43 secondes (via: Langue sauce piquante - Le Monde)



Scène de Bande à part de Jean-Luc Godard

Thursday, December 06, 2007

Fun With A Camera

Everybody must have already heard about it, but a posh food store in New York's Greenwich Village has found itself red faced after offering hams for sale with the slogan "Delicious for Hanukkah," the current Jewish religious holiday.




OK, so it's an embarrassing mistake, but what about these:








No?? No good? Aw, you're no fun!!!

Tuesday, December 04, 2007

La Sécurité Sur La Route

Mon ami KCA mentionnait récemment dans son blogue (http://khongcoai.com/) que les Vietnamiennes, ne voulant pas sacrifier la beauté et l'élégance à la sécurité, refusent de porter des casques en moto et se résignent donc à apprendre à conduire des voitures.

Eh ben, voici la preuve que les casques ne sont pas un obstacle à la beauté ni à l'élégance. Au contraire, les casques vous donnent un look particulièrement cool.


Je suis le roi de la route




C'est ça, prosternez-vous devant.. euh ... derrière moi, bande de paysans!!



D'ailleurs, c'est bien connu: les voitures, c'est pour les cons de bourgeois.



Voilà, j'ai tout dit.

Monday, December 03, 2007

Première Tempête de Neige


Ce matin, le quotidien La Presse annonce:
Une importante tempête de neige déferle sur le Québec, perturbant les transports et provoquant la fermeture d'écoles. Les conditions routières souffrent de l'ampleur des précipitations, particulièrement dans l'ouest du Québec où plusieurs routes sont enneigées et la visibilité réduite.


Pendant ce temps, chez moi...

Vue de la cuisine: la montagne de neige en bas à gauche est la table du balcon

Ma voiture est ensevelie sous la neige. J'appelle un taxi pour aller au bureau: "Une heure d'attente, Madame, je n'ai pas assez de chauffeur".

Je décide de prendre le métro : près d'une heure pour arriver à destination, car il a fallu grimper par-dessus les montagnes de neige à chaque coin de rue et les wagons du métro étaient pleins à craquer. Une fois arrivée à la sortie du métro, je me heurte à mes collègues allant dans le sens inverse: le bureau est fermé, pour cause de tempête de neige! C'est la première fois depuis sa création en 1944 que le bureau ferme ses portes!! Une autre heure pour rentrer et me mettre au lit.


L'entrée de devant est bloquée par le cèdre courbé sous la neige.
Nul ne peut monter l'escalier de devant s'il mesure plus de 50 cm de haut.

Sunday, December 02, 2007

The Exorcist Spider Walk Down The Stairs

You remember, in the Exorcist, one of the creepiest scenes is the little girl walking down the stairs upside down. Here's the scene:



YouTube is full of clips of people trying to reproduce that walk. This one started scary, and then things kinda went wrong:




And there is this edited version of the original spider walk, much scarier even!!

Friday, November 30, 2007

You Dirty Rat! You Ate My Brothers!

Too delicious to be safe


Clip.vn is the first Vietnamese YouTube clone, and after six months of operation, it's apparently very successful (see http://tinyurl.com/yrrtyw). During my first visit, this video clip sort of stood out: (WARNING: Not for sensitive souls!!! I'm serious!!!)



The explanations are in Vietnamese but here's the gist of it: The place is a market in a village called Vinh Ninh, near Hanoi. Field rats are caught, skinned and defanged and cleaned up. It's apparently a very popular meat, with a very good taste. You can eat it boiled, or roasted or stewed with curry. Despite the Health Department warnings, the Vinh Ninh villagers are convinced that rat meat is perfectly safe. Bon appetit!

To watch again, click on "Xem Lai".

You eat WHAT??


Saturday, November 24, 2007

Edouard Lock Dance Videos

Edouard Lock

The choreographer: Edouard Lock, born March 3, 1954, Canadian dance choreographer and the founder of the Montreal dance group, La La La Human Steps. He is presently showing his new masterpiece "Amjad" at the Théâtre de la Ville in Paris.

The dancers: Louise Lecavalier and Marc Beland.

The dance: Human Sex (1985) - http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8q876pJ0tWE

Unfortunately, embedding has been disabled, but click on the link. If you don't get too distracted by Lecavalier's breasts and her painted moustache, you will witness one of the finest pieces of post-modern dance.


The dance: Amelia




The dance: Mondo Beyondo




Update: 25 November 2007

Originally, I didn't want this post to be just a collection of video clips, but after much hesitation, I decided to add just one more clip from the Amelia ballet.

Thursday, November 22, 2007

Angry Chicken Parkour

In Defense of Blondes - Another bilingual post

L'autre jour, Stéphane Laporte a écrit une rubrique humoristique dans La Presse pour se moquer des blondes (http://tinyurl.com/yozesg). J'en extrais les deux blagues ci-après:

Une blonde voulait vendre sa vieille voiture, mais elle avait beaucoup de difficulté car sa voiture avait 250 000 km d'usure. Elle demande conseil à une amie brunette. La brunette lui dit: "Es-tu prête à faire quelque chose d'illégal?". La blonde répond: "Oui, je veux la vendre à tout prix!" La brunette enchaîne: "Tu vas aller voir mon ami Tony qui est mécanicien. Il va mettre ton compteur à 50 000 km". La blonde va voir Tony, et Tony remet le compteur à 50 000 km. Quelques jours plus tard, la brunette demande à la blonde: "Pis, as-tu vendu ton auto?". La blonde répond: "Es-tu folle! Je ne la vends plus, elle a seulement 50 000 km d'usure!".


Une blonde se promène en voiture en écoutant la radio. L'annonceur n'arrête pas de raconter des blagues sur les blondes. La blonde se tanne et éteint la radio. Elle est outrée. Soudain, elle voit sur le bord de l'autoroute, dans un grand champ de blé, une blonde dans une chaloupe en train d'essayer de ramer. Elle baisse sa vitre et crie: "C'est à cause des blondes niaiseuses comme toi que tout le monde fait des jokes sur les blondes! T'es chanceuse que je ne sache pas nager sinon j'irais te péter la gueule!".



I am here to avenge TEH BLONDES with this joke (http://bitsandpieces1.blogspot.com/):

A lawyer and a blonde woman are sitting next to each other on a long flight. The lawyer asks if she would like to play a fun game. The blonde is tired and just wants to take a nap, so she politely declines and tries to catch a few winks. The lawyer persists, that the game is a lot of fun. "I ask you a question, and if you don't know the answer, you pay me only $5. You ask me one, and if I don't know the answer, I will pay you $500." This catches the blonde's attention; and, to keep him quiet, she agrees to play the game.

The lawyer asks the first question. "What's the distance from the earth to the moon?" The blonde doesn't say a word, reaches in to her purse, pulls out a five-dollar bill, and hands it to the lawyer.

Now, it's the blonde's turn. She asks the lawyer, "What goes up a hill with three legs, and comes down with four?" The lawyer uses his laptop, searches all references. He uses the Airphone; he searches the Net and even the Library of Congress. He sends e-mail's to all the smart friends he knows, all to no avail. After one hour of searching he finally gives up. He wakes up the blonde and hands her $500. The blonde takes the $500 and goes back to sleep. The lawyer is going nuts not knowing the answer. He wakes her up and asks, "Well, so what goes up a hill with three legs and comes down with four?"

The blonde reaches into her purse, hands the lawyer $5 and goes back to sleep.




Next time, I will avenge TEH LAWYERS... Naah!

Porque No Te Callas?

... or in English: Why don't you shut the f*ck up?

During the closing session of the Santiago Summit in Chile between Spain and Latin America a few weeks ago, the Spanish Prime Minister was speaking when he was rudely interrupted by the Venezuelan President Hugo Chavez, who started ranting until he himself was interrupted by the King of Spain who told him to shut up.

The King's intervention was so unexpected and un-traditional that its video was immediately uploaded on YouTube. And now, I give you the music video of Why don't you shut up? or in Spanish, Porque no te callas? (In French, it would be: Pourquoi tu ne la boucles pas?)



Monday, November 19, 2007

Read This And Drool

I don't like to brag, but.... I'm bragging!

cash advance

Wednesday, November 14, 2007

The Difference Between Males and Females

Orgasm's simulation:
http://img.tapuz.co.il/forums/20208414.htm


(Click to enlarge the picture. To enlarge some other stuff, try the ads in the paper)

Best Video By A Rock Band

Thank you to Asparagus for introducing me to 30 Seconds to Mars.


From Yesterday by 30 Seconds to Mars





There's a "Making of..."

Monday, November 12, 2007

Armistice Day

Lest We Forget


"Here is perhaps definitive proof that there is no God, no being that gives a flying ratfuck about what occurs on Earth: when Vice President Dick Cheney placed a wreath at the Tomb of the Unknowns at Arlington National Cemetery, the ground did not open up and vomit forth the zombie corpses of the thousands upon thousands of dead there so they might rip Cheney's remaining functioning organs out and drag his heaving, screaming being into realms of hell where he might be forced to suck mustard gas, be immolated by an atomic explosion, and be burned by napalm, all while having bullets fired through his flesh and grenades with their pins pulled shoved up his ass.

Alas, no, such savage poetry of gore is reserved for the real world, the real soldiers who wreak violence and who die in the real wars for the pusillanimous men whose experience of it is to merely honor the dead while merrily sending more to die."

From: http://rudepundit.blogspot.com/