Two Letters I Just Got in the Mail

First Letter:

ATTN: Madam Buddhist With An Attitude

I am Phillip K. the eldest son of the late formal minister of finance in Nigeria. I got your contact through a reliable source here in Africa and I decided to seek for your assistance in this my family last hope.

However at the peak of the civil war that wreacked my country, my father confided in me that he deposited the sum of $20 million dollars and 75kg alluvial gold dust in a security company here in Lagos-Nigeria as a family treasury. Hence, my father told me that all the document/the certificate of deposit is with our family lawyer in Nigeria who signed as a witness by the deposition.

I have met the lawyer to confirm the information after we were brought down to Nigeria to be safe from the war. Unfortunately, my father and some other members of the cabinet were murdered by Foday S. Sankoh lead Revolutionary United Front (R.U.F) may their gentle souls rest in peace.

But now that I am out of the refugee camp, I am pleading for your assistance as a mentor as well as partner whom I can trust and not be betrayed by in order to move the merchandise out of Nigeria.

Now presently, the money and the gold dust are with the security company which I will disclose to you later as we progress. Hence, I have visited the Security Company to confirm the state of the merchandised it is intact, although the security company officials did not know the content of the consignment as it is deposited as family treasury/personal artefacts.

Finally, what need from you is to come down here and carry this money and this gold and go back with me to your country for future investment, but if you cannot come due to one reason or the other you can advicemeon what next to do.

I have mapped out the total sum of 20% of this funds for your noble assistance and 5% for any expenses that might incurred in the process of this transaction. Please no body know this business except you and I, therefore you are required to maintain absolutely confidentially in this transaction.My regards to you and your family

Thanks and God bless.

Best regards,

Phillip K.

Second Letter: (via http://www.thenation.com/blogs/jstreet/363133/bailout_satire)

Dear Buddhist With An Attitude: 

I need to ask you to support an urgent secret business relationship with a transfer of funds of great magnitude. 

I am Ministry of the Treasury of the Republic of America. My country has had crisis that has caused the need for large transfer of funds of 800 billion dollars US. If you would assist me in this transfer, it would be most profitable to you. 

I am working with Mr. Phil Gram, lobbyist for UBS, who will be my replacement as Ministry of the Treasury in January. As a Senator, you may know him as the leader of the American banking deregulation movement in the 1990s. This transactin is 100% safe. 

This is a matter of great urgency. We need a blank check. We need the funds as quickly as possible. We cannot directly transfer these funds in the names of our close friends because we are constantly under surveillance. My family lawyer advised me that I should look for a reliable and trustworthy person who will act as a next of kin so the funds can be transferred. 

Please reply with all of your bank account, IRA and college fund account numbers and those of your children and grandchildren to wallstreetbailout@treasury.gov so that we may transfer your commission for this transaction. After I receive that information, I will respond with detailed information about safeguards that will be used to protect the funds. 

Yours Faithfully Minister of Treasury Paulson